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Welcome to my musings on pop culture and parenting. I am the Pop Mama and this is a safe place to steal away from your screaming child and get your fix on what's up with Beyonce and great poop stain remover tips.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Bedtime Forgiveness. My Messy Beautiful.

April 17, 2014 - 8:15pm - Kids are jumping on couch.

I'm back.  My new favorite blog drew me back to my own blog.  Momastery.  Glennon Melton Doyle's blog has become a source of daily inspiration for me.  That and my "Jesus Calling" reading.  Life has been tough lately and I need truth on the regular.  Between her and Jesus I get my fix -- albeit I laugh a ton more when I read Glennon's words.

Sooo, Momastery has a Messy, Beautiful Warriors Project that allows bloggers to post to Momastery's site and tell their own Messy Beautiful story. And, tomorrow is the last day to post.

I have written 4 drafts of my Messy Beautiful post.  I have erased and closed it and saved it and rewritten it.  I have second, third and twentieth guessed myself.  I am scared and I am hesitant.  I really really want to be part of the project because I get daily inspiration from Momastery, but I keep thinking that I am not good enough or creative enough or hip enough.  It is like when I try to wear an infinity scarf...I try it on like a billion different ways and then just feel like an asshole and take it off.

And then yesterday I had a horrible, no good, very bad day in which I had overwhelming anxiety, moments of depression, stress that caused my jaw to lock up, and I screamed (and I mean really screamed) at my son and my husband (at separate times).  I sucked. The day sucked.  Everything just sucked.

I forced myself to go to yoga class and get the crap out of my system.  When I got home both kids were in bed and my husband was labeling a tupperware container of strawberries with our last name so that my oldest could participate in "fruit salad day" at school.  My heart swelled just a little with love for him in that moment.  He told me that my son (the one I screamed at) wanted me to kiss him goodnight when I got home.  I went upstairs and crawled into bed with my sleepy kid.  I gave him a kiss, looked him the eye and told him that I was sorry for yelling at him.  He just smiled, looked at me and said sweetly, "it's okay."  Tears spilled down my cheeks.  Forgiveness.  He then asked me "Mommy, can you sleep with me a little bit?"

Who could resist this kid?

Before hearing his words of acceptance and receiving his bedtime kisses, I had beaten myself to a pulp, called myself a failure, decided that they were better off without me and basically chalked up my behavior as the last straw that would send both of my boys to therapy.  His casual forgiveness and unconditional toddler love let me forgive myself.

Originally, I had wanted to write this post about my personal evolution over the last four years and how I am a different person than the one that started this blog -- but isn't that a given?  Doesn't parenthood change you?  On a daily basis?  If you let it?  And not just parenthood, but marriage and work and God and the people who love you?  I had wanted to write something grand, to explain how I have changed -- or how I feel changed, but I couldn't do it.  I had wanted to share my vision and dreams for living an extraordinary life -- to show that I am trying, really trying, to continue to stretch and grow and live outside of my comfort zone.  To justify not writing on this blog because I was too busy living my Messy Beautiful life.

And, then after writing, rewriting and feeling like a fraud, I found that although I still have all of those messy and beautiful dreams and goals inside me, the most messy beautiful moment of my week was forged from something "brutiful" (as Glennon would say).  I mean, how do you get from feeling like a failure, screaming at your family and wringing your hands in anxiety to receiving forgiveness and bedtime kisses and having a husband who cares about preschool fruit salad day?  Love.  After all that, I am still loved.  And that is extraordinary.

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!