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Welcome to my musings on pop culture and parenting. I am the Pop Mama and this is a safe place to steal away from your screaming child and get your fix on what's up with Beyonce and great poop stain remover tips.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

No fair.

I am literally sitting here at the computer with tears streaming down my face and a tissue in hand.  I just finished listening to Taylor Swift's song Ronan.  She played it first on the Stand Up to Cancer special this past weekend and I missed it.  I heard about it via Facebook and then my husband told me about it and how he listened to it at work out of curiosity and was basically in tears at his desk.  If something can make my logical husband cry (or at least tear up), at work no less, then it has to be absolutely heartbreaking.  And it is.  The song is crafted from the words of a mother who lost her four year old son to neuroblastoma in 2011.

The words of the song were written on a blog by Maya Thompson, the mother to Ronan.   She wrote the blog to work through the pain of parenting and losing a child with cancer.  It is a tribute to her baby and it is heartbreakingly beautiful and simple.  Taylor did an amazing job of captivating the story and a mother's pain.  It isn't cheesy or trite and I have been thinking about it all day.

The song touched me deeply and I couldn't look at Cammy or Henry today and not think about how precious my time with them is and how dirty laundry or toys all over the house don't mean a damn thing when it comes down to it.  It is so easy to get caught up in the crap of everyday life and the doldrums of parenting...yesterday was one of those days for me.

After the kids went to bed I was in a foul mood because the house was trashed, Cam was a wee bit difficult that afternoon and I was just plain tired.  I also felt gross and squidgy because I haven't exercised since Henry was born and I never pass up a cookie or handful of M&Ms.  I was irritated and snarly and just needed some time to myself.  So I think that is when God decided to nudge me back to reality and I heard the song for the first time.  As I was crying, I felt like a complete a-hole, which only made me cry more.

I cried because as a mother I can only imagine how deep the hole would be if one of my boys passed away.  I cried because I have two gorgeous, healthy and lively boys of my own who I get the incredible gift of parenting everyday.  I get to be their mom and I needed to remember how lucky I am.  I cried because the lyrics and music are the perfect storm.  I cried because I ache for Maya Thompson and I ache for her other children who lost their brother.

Because I am a glutton for punishment and apparently like crying, I visited Ronan's mother's blog: www.rockstarronan.com  It is beautiful, sad and hopeful and brings awareness to neuroblastoma...which I didn't really know about or what it was until just now.  I don't want to go all medical on you, so basically it is a childhood cancer that develops from tissue in the sympathetic nervous system.  It sucks.

As I get older cancer becomes a real fear -- not only for me, but for my loved ones.  I have family members battling cancer right now and I feel like it is everywhere -- family friends, neighbors, sorority sisters and co-workers.  I know plenty of survivors, but I also know of so many who have been taken too early by this horrible disease.  It is maddening to me that there is no cure.

All that crying was cathartic, but it was also a reminder that life is so very short and each minute is a gift.  It sounds morbid, but this has been on my mind so much lately, even before I heard Ronan.  Maybe it is getting older and watching my parents get older -- or maybe it is having kids and wanting to protect them -- whatever it is, I'm trying to live with intention everyday and be present every moment.  Easier said than done, but worth a try.

Good night.

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